Cooking With Blue MarySue
by Reefgirl
Summary: MarySue challenge fic. Meet Atlantis' Head Chef, she's mean, she's armed, she swears like a trooper and she could make Gordon Ramsey blush. Rated T due to language. Ch 15 Radek confesses. Enjoy
1. Meet Alex

Title: Cooking with Mary-Sue

Rating: T for bad language, Gordon Ramsey isn't unique you know.

Spoilers: None

Pairings: None that I can think of

Summary: The Ramblings of Atlantis' Head Chef

Disclaimer: I own none of the Atlantis characters; I do own Alex Ramsey though 'cos she's me, only I'm not quite as bad as she is. The Mary Sue Challenge idea isn't mine either it comes from sliverofwingless posted by Lady Valmar at the forbiddengalaxies yahoo group.

Authors Notes: I've enjoyed the Mary-Sue Challenge fics that have been floating about so I thought I'd have a go too, I hope I'm not treading on anyone's toes here. I am a chef, I do have a bit of a temper, my mind does wander and tend to eff and blind a lot when I'm cooking, so me and Alex Ramsey are very similar. Enjoy and chefs do swear that badly, honest.

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"Chief, the ovens are down again" says Mick my watch leader, I sigh and haul myself out of the chair. Why does everyone in this place have to have a title? Colonel, Major, Captain, Doctor, Chief. I was saddled with the title Chief because the last Head Chef was an Army Chief Cook and the title stuck. Let me introduce myself, I'm Alex Ramsey, I'm Atlantis' new Head Chef and I'm EXTREMELY pissed off.

"How long has it been going on this time?" I ask,

"Since breakfast" he replies

"Have you called Dr McKay?" I say

"Twice" says Mick with a sigh "and I always get the same reply 'too busy'". Ok I've had enough now; McKay's been giving me the royal run-around for three days

"It's about time I paid the little tosser a visit and told him what will happen if he doesn't fix the fucking equipment in here," I say. Mick grins

"I hoped you say that chief," he says. I stride out of the door and head for the Lab; surely even, he's heard about my temper. I'd only been in the place twenty four hours before I'd thrown my first tantrum, the idiot kitchen porter had wasted a whole bag of potatoes and I'd not been happy and while I'd been screaming at him three squaddies had burst in with gun's drawn, apparently they thought I was trying kill him. Thank God, their CO had turned up and told them to back off before I'd thrown the tray I was holding at them. By the time, I'd apologised to everyone and baked a conciliatory batch of Chocolate Chip Cookies gossip was spreading about my temper, mind you that Major, ah...what's his name? Blue eyes, nice ass...Lorne, that's it Lorne had said I could scream at him all I wanted as long as he got cookies afterwards.

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I'm in the lift...transporters or whatever the hell the people who built this place call them and for some reason I've got Anarchy in the UK playing in my head, that'll teach me to let Charlie have what he wants on the CD player. I'm singing! I'm going to kick McKay's ass and I'm singing._ I am an antichrist, I am an anarchist, Don't know what I want, but I know how to get it_, suits the situation though. The doors open and I stride towards the lab, I still have bloody Anarchy in the UK in my head.

"Where's that pipsqueak McKay!" I yell as I enter the lab, all eyes turn to me and a few jaws drop open "come on where is the little tosser?", the Czech guy, Zelenka points to the back of the lab. McKay stands up.

"Who the..." he starts, then he sees who it is and a sneer creeps onto his face "Oh its Miss Manners, I should have known, I told your..."

"Get your fucking ass up to my kitchen and repair my power systems before I lock you in my deep freeze until your balls turn blue and fucking fall off," I scream. There's a sharp intake of breath from the people in the lab and McKay's face goes purple "_don't _make me come up here again, I might not ask so nicely next time" I turn on my heel and stride out, my temper's evaporating as I get nearer the kitchen, time to bake more cookies methinks. I take a detour to Dr Weir's office, better explain myself to her, she sees me coming and puts down her file

"Yes chief" she says,

"I'm sorry to say that Dr McKay will be putting a report in about me, I threatened to lock him in my deep freeze until his balls dropped off unless he fixed the power in the kitchen," I say. She sighs

"Ok chief, I do understand but try not to make a habit of it" she says, I make a mental note to add Dr Weir to my tally for cookies

"Thank you Dr Weir and I'll try not to" I reply. When I get back to the kitchen, I find Dr Zelenka looking over the power systems,

"Blimey that was quick," I say to Mick.

"He turned up about five minutes ago, whatever you said to McKay must have worked" he replies. Being a British kitchen the kettle is never cold so I make two mugs of tea and wander over to Dr Zelenka.

"You drew the short straw eh?" I say as I hand him the mug, he nods as he takes it and drinks "your boss is a wuss" he looks blankly at me "coward, chicken, uncourageous", understanding dawns and he nods

"Your threat would not work on McKay as he does not have any to fall off" he replies. I burst out laughing

"Well I'll lock him in until his fingers fall off then" I say grinning, I point to the power system "is it terminal?" he shakes his head

"I've managed to get the equipment working again but I'll need to stabilize the system so it won't keep failing" he replies. I ask something that's been bugging me since I got here

"How do you deal with the Fuckwit McKay?" I ask

"When he starts ranting I let it go in one ear and out of the other," he replies

"Ah, I know that one, the face is listening but the mind is elsewhere" I say, he nods

"You and I are more alike than you know," he says. Bloody Hellfire! I'm blushing, ok out of here before your reputation is ruined.

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About an hour later and I'm just finishing the last of a _large_ batch of cookies, I've upset many people this week and I'm blaming PMT, it usually works, when Zelenka pokes his head around the door.

"I am finished" he says, I point to the cookies on the rack

"Help yourself," I say, he picks one up and starts to eat, "so, I shouldn't have anymore problems?" I ask

"Everything is working ok now but next time something goes wrong call me instead of McKay" he says, I raise an eyebrow "I know better than to upset the chef, it's something you learn very early in the Army" I grin at him. Having worked on a number of Army and Navy bases, I've often heard this,

"Sensible man" I reply. He picks up another cookie and turns to leave

"Lemons" he says, I frown

"No chocolate chip" I reply, he smiles

"McKay is allergic to lemons," he says with a wicked grin. Realisation dawns on me

"Ahhhhhh, Dr Zelenka you are wicked," I say

"I know" he replies. Did he just wink at me? He leaves and I'm left idly wondering what the national dish of the Czech Republic is because I'm sure he's going to deserve it before long.

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**AN**: I hope you enjoyed it and I do make choc chip cookies as thank you's and as Sorry-I've-Been-A-Cow-Forgive-Me gestures. Do you want to see more of her? Do you want to see her lock McKay in the Freezer? Then let me know.


	2. Rodney, Alex and the Freezer

Rating: T of course

Summary: Alex is giving a report to the senior officers on how she and McKay became trapped in the freezer.

Disclaimer: I own none of the Stargate Characters but I do own Alex so if you want to use her drop me a line.

Authors Notes: Thanks for all the reviews and I am glad everyone liked Alex. A lot of you want her back and the majority of you wanted to see McKay in the freezer. NenyaVilyaNenya has promised to write what happened at the Monty Python night with Lorne, Cadman and her Sue, Dr Santella if I write about Rodney and the freezer, so here it is.

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I am sitting in the briefing room, stupid name for an office, because I have to give my report into what happened in the kitchen during the accidental Atlantis lockdown. At the moment Rodney McKay is banging on about...something, I'm a chef not Mr Spock I'm not supposed to understand whatever the hell it is he's talking about, I decide to put on my listening face and hope no-one asks me anything. I hope Mick remembers to take the apple pies out of the oven, blimey it's Dad's anniversary next month I'd better write to Mum, bloody hell it's been eight years, what did I tell her I was doing?...ah yes...working at McMurdo in the Antarctic, must remember to tell her about the penguins. Fuck me is he still rambling on about...Ah hell I'm not listening and it's nothing to do with me anyway. I wonder when the Daedalus is due back. We getting low on a few things, I had better see Teyla about a trading mission. Damn! Zelenka's caught my eye and he's smirking, bugger it! He knows I'm not listening and he knows he's too far away for me to hack him in the ankles with my steel toe capped boots. I raise my eyebrow in a You'll-Pay-For-That gesture.

"Chief" says Dr Weir "We'd like to here your report into the incident". Oh, God I knew my threat to lock McKay in my freezer was going to come back and bite me on the ass. Really, if I were going to carry out my threat I wouldn't have been in there with him. Sheppard's got a smile on his face so has Carson, they've both heard this story before, Zelenka's grinning like the Cheshire Cat and McKay's got a face like thunder. It's going to be difficult for me to keep a straight face.

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McKay and Zelenka were checking the temperature controls in the little room next to the kitchen that I'd decided to use as a deep freeze. The one they'd originally bought with them was on it's last legs and Mick had suggested we lower the temperature controls to -20 in the little room and use it as a freezer, I took the idea to Dr Weir, she approved and Zelenka made the necessary adjustments (McKay was still too chicken to face me). Anyway, I digress, on this particular day we were having a few problems with the controls and Zelenka had turned up to see what the problem was, nothing too important as it happens but McKay was with him, sticking his nose in as usual, although he called it 'checking on progress'. I was in the freezer looking for some fish, seeing as it was Friday and McKay was in there rattling off figures to Zelenka when the door slammed shut. This happens a fair bit so I wasn't worried and as I had my hands full, I bumped the DNA-reader-door-opener gizmo with my bum and waited for it to open, which it didn't.

"McKay! a little help here" I said, he looked at me as if I'd just called him the Spawn of Satan (he's called me it enough times) "look you're the one with the mutant gene open the fucking door". He ran his hand over the scanner but nothing happened

"Radek what's going on?" he asked

"The city's gone into lockdown, I don't know why" Zelenka replied. McKay rolled his eyes and glared at me, like it was my fault

"You did this didn't you? you said you were going to lock me in your freezer until my balls dropped off, now you've locked the city down and I'm going to die in a freezer. Oh God we're running out of food aren't we, you're going to go all Sweeny Todd and stick me in a pie aren't you" he whined, it was my turn to roll my eyes

"Oh for fucks sake McKay, if I was going to lock you in here I wouldn't have locked myself in too you dickhead" I put the boxes back on a shelf, looked down at him and smirked "besides, from what I've heard you've got nothing to lose". "McKay opened and shut his mouth a few times, doing a pretty good impression of a goldfish I thought,

"Who said that, I'll kill them, come on who said it?" he demanded, I smiled and tapped the side of my nose.

"RADEK! what the hell is going on out there" he bellowed. The reply that came wasn't intelligible at first, I assumed Zelenka was trying to explain what was happening but then I realized he was swearing in Czech, I have no idea what he said but I'm sure he felt better for it, I know I do, I did catch the word Kavanaugh a couple of times. "Radek, say again"

"In English this time, without the effing and blinding" I said with a laugh, McKay gave me a look that could have frozen a lesser woman's blood

"what, I'm sweet and innocent I am".

"One of Kavanaugh's experiments has caused a temporary lock down," said Zelenka

"How temporary's temporary?" I asked, thinking that lunch was due to go up in an hour and the British contingent were not going to be happy if there was no fish.

"About 30 minutes" came the reply "I am going to go and see if I can unlock Atlantis any quicker", Zelenka said

"Radek, turn the temperature controls off before you do so I don't freeze to death in here," said McKay. It's true, he does think better when he's faced with death, I thought to myself of course he did say so _I _ don't freeze. I button up the top button on my jacket and pull on my thermal gloves,

"What about me?" said McKay "Are you going to let me freeze to death in here, I have a low immune system you know I could easily pick up pneumonia" he put his fingers to his neck. "My pulse is slowing, I can feel my blood getting colder, oh God this isn't the way I wanted to go, if I have to die I want it to be a heroic death, not 'They found him next to the Eskimo pies and mistook him for a popsicle'" he said in that annoying whining voice he has. I sighed

"McKay, have you finished?" I asked, he looked up and nodded "then SHUT THE FUCK UP! we are not going to die in here; we are not going to die of starvation, thirst or the cold. YOU may die because if you don't stop whining because I may throttle you but I am not going to give that bastard ex husband of mine the satisfaction of dying before I have my revenge". He finally shuts up and looks at me

"You were married?" he says looking aghast.

"Yes and I wasted five years of my life on him" I retorted. I'd married a Grant Mitchell look alike with the morals of a rabbit, the end hadn't been pleasant and that was the reason I was here in a galaxy far, far away.

"It's just, you don't seem the type," he said, then he starts giving me that 'kicked puppy' look, he must have got that from Sheppard

"At least let me have your gloves, I'm important to the project" he pleads, I get up and stalk to the back of the room and grab the jacket that's there, I got it from Sgt Stackhouse and use it when I'm stocktaking, I hand it to McKay and he pulls it on with a sigh of relief.

"No it's ok Dr McKay you take it, I'll be ok in just my uniform and a pair of gloves" I said sarcastically, the comment goes over his head as usual. I perched on a shelf and wrapped my arms around my knees to try to keep warm

"You never know McKay they could be making films about this in years to come" I said, his face lights up

"Really? You think" he replies all smiles,

"Yeah, Rodney of the Deep Freeze, the intrepid explorer is found by his rescuers after having fought bravely against the perils of frozen fish fingers and the dreaded menace from the deep **the freezer burned hot dog roll. **His companion, the noble Chief Ramsey having sacrificed herself so the hero could survive, dies knowing that she would go down well with a packet of instant mash and gravy," I said as I dissolved into giggles, McKay scowls but I can't help myself I just giggle more

"That's not funny," he said. I carry on laughing for another five minutes,

"I'm sorry," I said, finally. He checked his pulse again,

"My heartbeat is slowing down, oh God, I DON'T WANNA DIE LIKE THIS!" he wails. Good God I thought my ex husband was a drama queen, my ass was turning to ice by now and I wondered if I snuck up on him and hit him over the head with a five kilo bag of frozen steak I might be able to rip that jacket off of him.

"McKay? Alex? say something" it was Zelenka, hang on he called me Alex, when did he start using my first name? I thought

"Radek oh thank God, give me some good news, tell me you can open the door?" pleaded McKay

"Yes Rodney I can open the door, stand back" Zelenka replied. The panel gave a cough and wheezed into life, then the door opened and McKay fell into the corridor and into the arms of Dr Beckett moaning, weeping and wailing

"Oh Carson it's so good to see you, I thought I was going to die, my blood was freezing in my veins, I'm coming down with pneumonia you know how thin my skin is, oh check my fingers and toes for frost bite" he wailed. I staggered out of the freezer and someone wrapped a blanket around me and Mick handed me a cup of tea, we British know just how to deal with near death issues.

"Mick you're an angel" I said as I gulped the tea down. McKay was still doing his dying swan impression and demanding that the entire medical staff be bought down to check him over.

"For fucks sake, give that man an Oscar, McKay you're not Scott of the Antarctic, you were locked in a freezer for all of twenty minutes, give the dramatics a rest, where's a fucking knife when you need one?" I said. Some of the people gathered around started to titter and McKay actually shut up,

"Come on down to med bay, I need to check you over" said Beckett

"Can it wait until you've dealt with the Diva of Atlantis first?" I asked, Beckett just laughed and led me off.

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"So that's about the gist of it" I say to Dr Weir, God that woman deserves cookies, she listened to the whole thing without so much as a smirk, at one point I thought Sheppard was going to piss himself laughing, not that McKay was amused but who cares.

"So nothing was damaged and there were no ramifications?" says Weir

"Not from me, but I can't speak for Dr McKay" I reply, McKay looks like he's chewing a wasp.

"Ok I think that's all, dismissed" Weir says. We all get up and start to troop out of the briefing room

"I hope you've all had a good laugh at my expense," says McKay as he sweeps out.

"Rodney, I haven't even started yet" says Sheppard "chief why don't you join me for coffee and we'll swap stories". I roll my eyes

"Only if you let me bring the Bromide flyboy," I say as I head back to the kitchen. Sheppard looks bemused as Zelenka and Beckett laugh themselves sick. Weir turns back to me,

"Chief can you come and see me tomorrow there's something I'd like to discuss with you, I'm afraid it won't please Rodney but he's going to have to live with it" she says

"Sure" I say any chance to piss off McKay.

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**AN:** My ex husband does look like Grant Mitchell and does have the morals of a rabbit but we are on good terms now.

"Give that man an Oscar" is my mum's favourite saying when she watches football and a player goes down clutching his leg. She also uses it when my daughter (whose name is Alex) is throwing a 'Princess Fit'

Do you want more of Alex?


	3. What's got up Radek's nose?

Rating: T

Summary: Alex goes offworld

Disclaimer: I own none of the Atlantis Characters but I do own Alex. If you want to use her just ask

Authors Notes: for once in my life, I don't think I have any pre story AN's

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I'm standing in the Gateroom like a lemon waiting to go offworld. I'm actually quite excited; I'm going to another planet to trade for food, I suppose Teyla's actually doing the negotiating I'm just along for the ride. Teyla's told me there is a big market place on this planet and I told her how much I loved going around markets back home, the smell of the food and the hustle and bustle is something I can't get enough of and she invited me along. She said that seeing as I was the one doing the cooking I should have a say in what we get on our trading missions. My backpack is crammed with bartering tools and homemade cereal bars and flapjack type things to try out on the unsuspecting members of this team.

After the briefing where I had to explain about the incident of Rodney and myself in the freezer, Dr Weir had called me to a meeting the following day. I was dreading it, I thought I was going to get a warning about my temper but she told me that the International Committee had told her to cut back on the requisitions for Power Bars. Apparently, Rodney was eating his own weight in these Power Bars between Daedalus runs so she asked me if I could come up with something lightweight, nutritious and cheap that offworld teams could eat and leave the Power Bars for real emergencies and I'd said I'd see what I could do. This is the bit I love about my job, experimenting, recipe swapping, standing in a kitchen, throwing things into a bowl, and seeing what comes out. I'd gone around to various departments and asked what peoples favourite flapjacks, biscuits and cereal bars were and after a few long nights and a lot of bad language Dr Weir and I had a tasting session, she'd given her approval for a trial run with one of the teams, and today was that day.

Various people are milling about the gate now, Teyla, Major Lorne, I really must stop ogling his ass as people have started to notice, Stackhouse and another Marine called Smith I think, Dr Zelenka, Dr Libby Palmer the Australian scientist. I like the Australian contingent here on Atlantis, they're always good for a laugh, they can drink more than a couple of beers before passing out and they have the best barbeques in any galaxy the last one on the mainland was quite an experience. Thank God Teyla had warned the Athosians about the Aussies, and Rodney McKay, oh boy he's not going to like the news about the power bars. Boy do I feel out of place here I'm the only one not in a uniform of some kind. I hope I'm smart enough, I usually slob around in leggings and tour t-shirts but I didn't want to offend anyone with my AC/DC shirt. The picture of a grown man in school uniform wielding a guitar is enough to send even the Genii screaming into the night. So I'm standing here in a pair for smart (for me) black trousers and a plain white short sleeved t-shirt and my old grey flannel shirt that my brother in law gave me for Christmas years ago. Lorne nods to the Canadian guy with the pixie ears at the dialling device and the symbols on the gate start to flash, I can't help but take a step back when the water stuff comes splashing out of the middle

"Are you ok?" says Zelenka appearing out of nowhere, bloody hell that guy's light on his feet my heart's pounding a little now

"Yeah I'm fine, a little overwhelmed but fine," I say with a brave smile, who am I kidding? I'm terrified. We walk towards the puddle and he puts his hand on my back to guide (or push) me through. I suppress a yelp and a desire to run full tilt into the gate as I feel his hand on the base of my spine, not because I'm offended, angry or about to flatten him but because I tend to melt into a puddle of wanton mush if someone touches my back, sad I know but I can't help it.

"You ok Chief?" says Lorne as I step through to the other side and try not to let my knees buckle

"Sure, I think I left my stomach somewhere between here and Atlantis" I say with a grin

"Let's move out" he says. Teyla, Dr Palmer and I are walking in front with the guys bringing up the rear thank god, I may disgrace myself if I spend too much time watching Lorne's ass. It's a really nice day just like early summer in England, which is good because Teyla says it's a two hour walk to the town, Rodney's already whinging about why couldn't we have bought a puddle jumper, to which Zelenka replies that they are being used or repaired. God McKay's an old woman sometimes, I'm getting hot so I dump my bag on the floor and take my grey shirt off. Someone's whistling at me, I tie the shirt around my waist and look round,

"Hey, don't stop there Chief" says Lorne,

"In your dreams Major" I reply with a grin

"Every night babe, every night" he says with a wink. I sigh, typical squaddie they're all the same inside, whatever their nationality is

"And I'm sure they're crowded too" I say

"Hey, every man has his fantasy" he replies. I shake my head and laugh

"I bet you say that to all the girls" I say as I look over my shoulder at him. Whoa! that was some dirty look Zelenka's just given Lorne, wow talk about if looks could kill, I wonder what Lorne's done to Zelenka to earn a death glare like that?

"Is there bad blood between Dr Zelenka and Major Lorne?" I ask Teyla, she thinks for a minute

"I do not believe so, it is most unlike Dr Zelenka to carry a grudge," she says.

"That's true, Radek is one of the nicest guy's you could meet, I've seen him yell and scream at people but he's always apologised when he's calmed down" says Libby Palmer, I look at Zelenka again, he's still casting evil looks at Lorne but he smiles at me so I smile back. Weird, I'll have to as Laura Cadman if she knows what's going on, she knows all the military and science gossip, I glance at Lorne, he's oblivious to the looks. I sigh and stick my hands in my pockets as I carry on walking, this is going to be an interesting day.

**TBC**

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AN: What's got Radek's knickers in a twist, can you guess?

How will Rodney take the news of the Power Bar cutbacks?

Will the others enjoy the alternatives that Alex has made?

Will they keep them down when she tells them what goes into power bars?

What will Alex find in the market?

Will she find out what's upset Radek or will someone have to spell it out for her?

Tune in next time to find out


	4. Anzacs, Orgasms and Addiction

Rating: T

Summary: Alex is still offworld and Rodney's world is about to collapse.

Disclaimer: I own none of the Atlantis Characters but I do own Alex and niece Alex as she is actually my daughter. If you want to use her just ask

Authors Notes: Part 2 of Alex's trip offworld, thanks for all the reviews so far and it's nice seeing Alex pop up elsewhere.

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We've been walking for about an hour on a path through a field of some kind of cereal crop. I'm softly singing 'Fields of Gold' as it seems to fit the moment

"_Will you stay with me, will you be my love among the fields of barley _" it would be nice to spend sometime here with someone special, I like a bit of romance now and then, never got much with my ex so dreams are all I have. I see Zelenka smiling at me again, maybe he likes my singing so I smile back. The others are talking about drawing lots to see who's gets to throttle McKay first. He's been whining ever since we left the gate, he sounds like my niece who's also called Alex, she's only eleven but she already has the attitude of a sixteen year old moan, moan, moan, I love her to bits though.

"What's so funny?" asks Zelenka, I jump out of my skin I swear he's trying to scare me to death creeping up on me like that, kinda reminds my of my mum's cat, appearing at your elbow unexpectedly when you've been looking for her for the last hour.

"I was just think how much Rodney is like my niece, she's never happy unless she's complaining about something either" I say with a smile

"How old is she?" he asks

"Eleven going on sixteen" I say with a sigh. I'm about to ask him what went on between him and Lorne when Rodney starts to shout.

"I've got to have a rest, we've been walking for hours" he says, I look at my watch it's been about an hour and fifteen minutes, Lorne looks torn between keeping moving or giving in for some peace and quiet.

"Ok, we'll rest here for a while" he says. We head for a group of trees on the edge of the field and sit, now's the time to try out the home-made rat pac bars. Rodney starts to burrow in his pack, brings out a Power Bar, and starts to eat, jeez, he must have inhaled that one, now he's starting on the second, and I wrinkle my nose in disgust.

"Do you know what goes into one of those things?" I say, he looks at me

"Proteins, vitamins I suppose," he mumbles spraying crumbs everywhere and I thought Ronon had bad table manners.

"Additives, preservatives, chemicals, hormones, E numbers and artificial flavourings" I say, beginning to feel sick, Stackhouse is also looking a little green around the gills. "Which brings me to confession time" they all look at me "Dr Weir has had word from the International Committee about the amount of those Power Bars that we're going through" all eyes turn to Rodney, who puts his arms protectively around his pack,

"What? I happen to like them" he glares at me "no matter what you say" I roll my eyes and continue.

"Well Dr Weir asked me to come up with something else for you to eat while you're on short missions so we can keep the Power Bars for emergencies and you are the guinea pigs" I say as I rummage around in my pack and bring out a bunch of home-made flapjack bars. They all, apart from Rodney, reach out to pick them up, I pick up one and hand it to Dr Palmer.

"Try this, I made it specially for you to try" I say, she takes it and unwraps looking a little suspiciously at me, she smiles as she gets the scent of something familiar, she breaks a bit off, pops it in her mouth and starts to chew. She closes her eyes and gives a little moan of pleasure, I wonder if she's going to have an orgasm on the spot.

"Oh an Anzac, oh God I haven't tasted an Anzac since I left home, thank you chief you get my vote if you keep coming up with these" she says. The others make similar appreciative noises although not quite the When-Harry-Met-Sally reactions of Dr Palmer so it looks like the home-made bars have the thumbs up, from this lot at least.

"You wanna try one Doc" says Lorne handing one to Rodney, he shakes his head violently still clutching his backpack

"Rodney, you ok?" I ask

"They're getting rid of the Power Bars?" said McKay with a wild look in his eye.

"No they're just cutting down, only using them for emergencies" I reply, Rodney's face starts returning to normal

"Oh thank God for that" he says opening his backpack, unwrapping a bar and scoffing down his fourth one in 10 minutes, his behaviour is worrying me now.

"Chief will you marry me when I grow up" says Stackhouse

"Been there, done that, not going to make the same mistake twice" I say with a mock sigh, Stackhouse pouts theatrically

"Live in sin" says Libby Palmer, I laugh and shake my head

"Right, and within a week he'll have me chained to the cooker" I say with a grin at Stackhouse

"I wouldn't do that" he says with mock innocence "well not chained to the cooker anyway". I raise my eyebrows

"Oh ho, like that is it? In that case the answer's yes and if we split up you keep the chains and I'll keep the whips and handcuffs" I reply still grinning

"Done" he says with a leer. I start to screw up the Clingfilm and paper that I'd wrapped the flapjack bars in

"Dr Ze..." wow! that look he's just given Sgt Stackhouse was pure evil, maybe he has a problem with the military, blimey that look's sent shivers down my spine "...lenka" he turns to me

"What!" he snaps and I take a step back because that was a bit uncalled for, I feel a little hurt now. I turn and see Teyla with a knowing smile on her face and she's whispering to Libby, they must know what's up, I'll ask them later

"Erm, can I have a word" I say

"What's the matter?" he asks, I resist the temptation to ask what the fuck is going on with him.

"It's Dr McKay, have you noticed anything...well...out of the ordinary about him" I ask

"What kind of thing do you mean?" he replies

"Crankier than usual, mood swings, secretive, slipping off without telling anyone that kind of thing" I say. Zelenka thinks for a minute

"Sometimes he is yes, why do you ask?" he says

"I may be wrong and I hope to God I am but I think Rodney might be hooked on those power bars", his eyes widen

"Alex are you sure?" he says, he's called me Alex again, I smile, it's nice for someone to use my first name once in a while and I like hearing my name spoken in that accent of his, I've always been a sucker for accents.

"I'm really not sure but did you see the way he reacted when I said that Dr Weir was cutting back on the Power Bars" I say and he nods in agreement

"Do you think there's something addictive in the bars?" he asks, I shake my head

"Nothing illegal anyway but those things are stuffed full of chemicals, additives and other nasty surprises and Rodney does eat a lot of them" I remark "so with all that someone could become addicted" Zelenka nods thoughtfully

"I can see that" he replies

"Radek, can you do me a favour?" hang on, when did I start calling him Radek? He gives me a surprised grin

"Anything" he says

"When we get back can you run a test on those Power Bars, I'd like to know what's in them" I ask.

"Are we ready to move?" says Lorne, the others start to pick up packs, Rodney's looking a bit better now, not quite so...terrified, Radek and I look at each other, we're both a little worried about him now and...I called him Radek again didn't I? Well he called me Alex so I guess I'm returning the favour, now where was I. oh yes, I really don't want to have to drop Rodney in it.

**-TBC-**

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**AN:** Things are going to get a bit darker in the next couple of chapters but there will still be humour. Anzacs are Australian biscuits made with oats, coconut and golden syrup, they're named after the Australia and New Zealand Army Corps because women used to make and send them to their husbands fighting overseas in World War 1.

Is Alex really that dense?

Have Teyla and Libby guessed what's going on?

Does Libby always do a Meg Ryan impression when she eats Anzacs?

What's in the Power Bars?

Is Sgt Stackhouse really the kinky type?

Is Rodney going to be ok?

Confused? You will be, until the next time


	5. Hooked, Line and Sunk

Rating: T

Summary: Radek and Alex face a dilemma.

Disclaimer: I own none of the Atlantis Characters but I do own Alex. If you want to use her just ask

Authors Notes: Thanks for all the positive comments about Alex I am glad you like her so much.

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The trade talks have gone well, Teyla says I behaved impeccably, anyone would think that I was a complete shrew, don't answer that. The town's Mayor, headman or official representative is the most charming man I've ever met, his wife is an amazing woman, and Teyla and I had achieved all we needed to in our negotiations. We managed to secure fresh veg, some decent flour and a sugar substitute that's out of this world among other things, I have the feeling that I'll be back soon and I can't wait. While Teyla and I are in the market I find a woman selling wool, this is going to shock you but I knit and I thought all my Christmas's had come early when I saw all this gorgeous wool for sale. There was a shade of red that I thought would suit my niece along with a couple of shades of green and blue that would suit me, after some hard negotiations, with Teyla's help, I had several kilo's of wool that would keep me going for the rest of my stay in Atlantis.

Now that we're finished in the market, we are making our way back to the gate from the Ancient temple after picking up the scientists. I keep looking over at Rodney to see how he's doing, he seems to be ok but I really hope I'm wrong about the Power Bars, I might not like him but I don't want to have to drop him in it with Dr Weir. I slow my pace so Zelenka catches up with me,

"How's McKay been?" I ask him

"Same old Rodney, why?" he says

"Well that mini panic attack he had with the power bars, do you think I'm over reacting?" I say, he shrugs.

"I don't know, I've never given it much thought until you mentioned it, I thought it was greed, Rodney does eat a lot" he replies

"And it shows" I mutter, "I don't suppose you have one on you?" I ask, he shakes his head

"I don't like them so I never eat them, unless I have to" he says. I smile

"Sensible man" I remark "Rodney do you have a power bar on you?" I ask him

"No they're all gone, why do you want it I thought you didn't believe in them because of all the chemical crap that's in them," he snaps "just because you think I eat a lot of them that I've always got some, ask someone else and leave me alone". I sigh and Zelenka raises his eyebrows, we seem to be thinking the same thing, no, I'm not over reacting,

"Major do you have one?" I ask, he fumbles about in his pockets, finds one and comes over to give it to me.

"You're not going to eat it are you, not after what you said" he says with a grin

"No Major, I'm just interested in seeing what the ingredients are?" I reply

"That's ok, just making sure you're not putting anything unhealthy in your mouth," he says with a wink I groan and shake my head, soldiers are all the same.

"Why do you let him talk to you like that?" says Zelenka with a scowl in Lorne's direction

"Comes with the job" I say with a wry smile "I never let it bother me because if I did they'd make my life hell". Maybe that's his problem he thinks Lorne's disrespectful towards me, oh that is so sweet. "Don't worry on my account, I give as good as I get," he looks a little happier now but I still wish I knew what his problem is, still I can't worry about that now I've got other problems. I turn the bar over and start to read,

"Fuck me, there's not a natural ingredient here, Jesus all those preservatives no wonder Rodney's whacked, I know they've got to keep you going when food's not available but this defies the Trades Description act" I remark. We're almost at the gate so I hand the bar to Radek, done it again haven't I? I've called him Radek.

"I'll let you know what I find, will you be in the kitchen later?" he asks, I shake my head

"I've got the rest of the day off after we've given Dr Weir the report," I say

"Meet me in the mess hall about nine I should have it done by then" he says. Not quite what I had in mind for my first date on Atlantis but…did I say date? I DON'T date, I meet friends and we have a good time, Fucks sake I've been hanging around Americans too long.

After the briefing I go to the kitchen to pick up any mail, the Daedalus came in last night and I'm expecting some magazines, I pick up everything, have a few words with Mick and Charlie about what's been going on and head back to my quarters to have a quick shower and plan what to do next about McKay.

So here am I sitting in the mess hall, smartly dressed in jeans and white shirt with my hair in a pony tail instead of just off my face with a hair band, I'm meeting Dr Zelenka I'm NOT on a date, I just like to look smarter than I normally do sometimes. I'm flicking through the knitting magazines my mum sent me and I spot a pattern for a black and white dress that would suit my niece, a sixties retro thing that she'll look good in. I swear she's in the wrong decade, the way she wears her hair in a bob and the way she likes to wear retro clothes she look looks like an extra in Heartbeat or Grease, depending on her mood. I'm just working out if I have enough wool to do it when I spot Dr Zelenka and he is looking worried.

"Hi Radek" I say, well we are off duty, it's my excuse and I'm sticking to it. He sits next to me and hands me a piece of paper.

"Is this the ingredients in the Power Bars?" I ask and he nods "Is it dangerous I failed chemistry at school?"

"I don't know, in small quantities they're probably ok, but this and this", he points to two names that mean nothing to me "are used in amphetamines ". My jaw drops "think about it these bars are used to keep you alert, to give you a boost just like amphetamines do, taking too many leads to paranoia, delusions, crazy behaviour and sometimes violence" I stare at him.

"That sounds like McKay" I say "are you saying he's become a junkie through eating too many Power Bars, that's crazy"

"They're not supposed to be eaten in such large quantities, you are supposed to eat one or two in twenty four hours," he says. I put my head in my hands, I knew these things were unhealthy but _addictive, _"we have to tell Dr Weir" my head jerks up

"We can't, she'd have no choice but to report him to the committee" oh god that sounds awful, like he's some kind of Communist sympathiser "you know what I mean, this will go on his record and it'll haunt him forever" I retort "I might not like the guy but I couldn't do that to him". Inspiration hits Radek

"We'll go to Carson," he says "come on"

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**AN: **I know there's not a lot of humour in this week's episode but you can't be humorous about this kind of thing

Yes, I do knit and I enjoy it a lot, my favourite thing I knitted was the shocking pink, fun fur gloves. They are warm and I haven't lost them yet.

Alex the niece is based on my daughter Alex and she does look good in fifties and sixties fashion.

Heartbeat is a TV show set in 1960's Yorkshire and based around the village policeman.

Is Rodney hooked?

What will Carson do?

Will he tell Elizabeth?

Will Alex admit to herself that she likes Radek?

Will Radek punch Major Lorne's lights out if he's cheeky to Alex again?

Tune in next time to find out

Anyone out there fancy writing Radek's POV on Alex's first time out? Go on you know you want to


	6. Uncertainty, Pink Lycra and a Mess

Rating: T

Summary: Now what?

Disclaimer: I own none of the Atlantis Characters but I do own Alex. If you want to use her just ask

Authors Notes: This is getting a bit more difficult to write so bear with me.

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We are heading down to the medical bay; I am dreading what we are going to say to Carson.

"Have you any idea what to tell Carson" I ask Zelenka

"Just tell him the truth" he replies. I am reluctant to go in, but Radek grabs my hand and drags me after him

"Carson" he says, the Jock doc looks up

"Aye, what's up?" he says, Radek looks at me and I sigh, forgive me Rodney but it's for your own good honest, I think to myself.

"I think we have a problem with Rodney" I say, Carson looks concerned

"What kind of problem?" he asks; I look at Zelenka again,

"We think Rodney's hooked on the Power Bars" I say, then I explain to the doc about Elizabeth cutting down on the power bars and Rodney's panic attack on the planet "...so I asked Dr Zelenka to run a test on them and that..." I pointed to the paper in Radek's hand "...is what we found". Carson takes the paper and reads through it

"Two of the 'ingredients' are used in Amphetamines," says Radek. Carson's face grows more concerned

"Aye but even so, it's going to take a lot of bars to get to the point where he's dependant on them," Carson says

"Rodney doesn't just eat them on missions, like the rest of the off world teams, he eats them all the time, I thought it was greed" says Radek.

"I saw him eat at least four in ten minutes on our trading mission today" I put in "if he's been eating them like chocolate bars since he got here..." My voice trails off "He really does have a problem Carson". Beckett sighs

"Now you come to mention it he has been a bit erratic lately and like you Radek I thought the power bars thing was greed, I'll get him in tomorrow morning and run a few tests," he says, I smile weakly

"Can you help him?" I ask

"Course I can love, I'm glad you were on the ball enough to spot it, if it proves to be true I'll recommend to Elizabeth that we get rid of these bars and get something else in" he says.

"Do you have to tell Dr Weir? I really don't want to get Rodney into trouble" I ask, Carson smiles at me

"It's not like he's taking drugs on purpose, if there really is a problem with those power bars she'll have to be told, don't worry you've done the right thing coming to me with it" he says. I sigh, I'm not so sure

"Thank you Carson" says Zelenka and we leave.

"I'm not so sure we are doing the right thing," I say as we're walking back to the mess hall

"Would you rather see him stay hooked on them," says Radek, I've given up trying to rationalise why I'm calling him by his first name.

"I guess not but I feel really low about dropping in it", he puts his arm around my shoulders and gives me a hug, I lay my head on his shoulder for a second "thanks Radek", I say. We go our separate ways, he goes back to his room and I pick up my magazines and head back to my room, I have three weeks of the Giro d'Italia to watch. I know the Tour de France is on now but I'm relying on mum to video all the stages and then the Daedalus to get them here. So by the time Le Tour gets here it'll be time for the Vuelta d'Espania on Earth and I'll no doubt get the Vuelta by Christmas, still watching one hundred and eighty odd cyclists ride around Italy is one of the more pleasant ways to pass the time in the Pegasus galaxy.

I'm dreaming about Italy, rain and pink Lycra when I hear someone knocking at my door, I try to focus and realise it's not an Italian thunderstorm, someone really is pounding on my door.

"Ok, ok keep your hair on" I mumble, I put my glasses on and then my robe, these doors slide open fully and I sleep naked. You can't open them a crack and peer out like you can with my door at home as I've found out to my cost, that poor little Marine hasn't been able to look me in the eye since. I open the door to find Major Lorne standing there; hallelujah there is a Santa Claus

"Major?" I say sleepily

"One of the off world teams has come across a Wraith culling and they're bringing refugees in, Dr Weir says can you get some food ready for them" he says, I'm fully awake now.

"How many people are we talking about?" I ask

"Fifty to a hundred" he replies, I shudder wondering if that's all that's left of a whole planet,

"Ok I'll get on to it," I say

"You want me to wake Mick or Charlie?" he asks. I shake my head

"No I can manage, but thanks for the offer," I say as he grins

"Talking of offers...," he says

"Out" I retort. I change into my whites and make my way to the kitchen, soup and bread will be the best idea I should think, and sweet tea for the shock. I step into the kitchen and switch on the lights, I don't have the mutant gene so I have to use a switch and I gasp, the kitchen's been ransacked, boxes opened, shelves emptied, stuff on the floor,

"FUCK HIM!" I yell as I'm sure I know who's done it. I tap my earpiece

"Major Lorne this is Alex Ramsey, you'd better come to the kitchen and you'd better wake up a couple of the KP's"

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I'm a BIG cycling fan and I am currently spending my afternoons in front of the TV watching the Tour de France. My money's on George Hincapie to win.

I only sleep naked in hot weather.

Who ransacked the Kitchen?

What was Major Lorne hoping Alex would offer him?

Will Alex ever explain the dream of Italy, rain and pink Lycra?

Now she's calling Zelenka by his first name will the penny drop?

Confused, you will be after the next episode.


	7. The Penny Drops, FINALLY

Rating: T

Summary: With a help of the Poker Girls the penny finally drops.

Disclaimer: I own none of the Atlantis Characters but I do own Alex. If you want to use her just ask

Authors Notes: I think I have teased you long enough with Alex's refusal to see what is in front of her.

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Major Lorne turns up a couple of minutes after I call and looks at the damage.

"Got any ideas?" he says, I nod "well?"

"I can't, not at the moment, he's not thinking straight, I've reported my concerns to Dr Beckett and he's going to deal with him on the QT," I say. Lorne looks at me

"I've got to report this to Dr Weir in the morning, I can't keep this quiet" he says, I pat his arm

"I'm not asking you to, I know you have a job to do just don't ask me who _he _is, now can you go and wake up a couple of the KP's to clean this mess up" I say. He nods

"I'll deal with it," he says "so what you makin'"

"Soup will be the best, something simple you don't know how long these people have gone without food, if you and your boys want to swing by later I'm sure there's be plenty left" I reply, He smiles

"Thanks I appreciate it," he says as he turns to leave.

"Can you pass the message onto the medical staff, I'm sure they'll need it at some point too" I say. Fuck it! I forgot to ask him about the problem between him and Dr Zelenka.

I start getting all the stuff I need ready and I have a quick look through the mess on the floor and I also look through the cupboards, as I suspect, all the power bars have gone. About five minutes later, a couple of Airmen turn up at the door

"Major Lorne said we're to report to you for KP duties Ma'am," says one of them

"I asked him to get two of mine, why are you here?" I ask

"We're on punishment duty," the other says sheepishly.

"Ok, I want to you to clean up the mess over there, then I want you to fill two urn's with water and switch them on, we're going to be getting a lot of people through here so I want a non stop supply of tea and coffee" I say, they nod and move off "hey, what are your names"

"I'm Bachman," says the blond

"Turner" says the ginger guy as I quickly hide a smirk, ten to one I'll be calling them Smashy and Nicey before the night's out.

The two guys worked like troopers and managed to get the kitchen back into some kind of order before the refugees came in. I was so shocked when I saw them, they had a stunned look about them which isn't surprising, I think it was the air of hopelessness that got to me because several times I had to disappear to my office before I broke down.

The stream of people has finally subsided and there are just a few soldiers and medical staff sitting around now. Carson comes in and spots me; he grabs a cup of tea and sits next to me.

"You look worn out love," he says

"I'm ok," I say automatically

"Sure you are" he replies.

"I don't suppose this will be the last time I have to do this, feed refugees" I say, Carson sighs

"No I don't suppose it will and it doesn't get any easier either" he says

"I feel so helpless," I say

"I know" he replies softly. I let out a deep sigh

"The kitchen was broken into and someone's taken all the Power Bars," I say

"Do you think it's Rodney?" Carson asks

"He's my number one suspect" I reply

"I'll get him in to the med bay to run some tests as soon as possible," he says

"Thanks" I say. He gets up

"Stop by the med bay and I'll give you something to help you sleep" he says, I nod I don't usually need anything to help me sleep but this time I'm sure I'll want something to keep the nightmares at bay. I wander back to my office just as Mick, Charlie and Chris are coming in for the breakfast shift.

"What's up chief?" says Charlie so I explain about the refugees and the break in

"Have the rest of the day off, we can manage ok" says Mick, I agree as long as I can finish the paperwork first.

At nine o'clock Mick says if I don't get out and get some sleep he's going to get Ronon down to 'escort' me back to my quarters, I give up and for once in my life I actually do as I'm told.

I wake up about five o'clock and find three notes slipped under my door. One is from the girls telling me there's a poker game on tonight and the other is from Dr Zelenka asking me if I'm ok, I'm quite touched, the last is from Carson, he's had to tell Dr Weir about Rodney but he's managed to keep me and Radek out of it, Shit! That's all I need. I get dressed and I head out into Atlantis, first I go and see Kate Heightmeyer, not professionally, you understand. Kate is a fellow knitter and runs the Atlantis Stitch and Bitch group and I have a proposition for her that I hope will appease my conscious. After visiting Kate I stick me head around the kitchen door and have a few words with Tony, Lennie and Christine, they tell me Dr Weir wants to see me tomorrow at nine o'clock, I grab a cup of tea and go to sit on the balcony, I see Dr Zelenka and go to join him,

"Hi Radek can I join you" I ask.

"Yes yes, I was going to call you" he says, he looks agitated

"I know Carson's had to tell Dr Weir about Rodney" I say

"It seems that the problem is a lot worse, Major Lorne reported to Dr Weir that the kitchen was broken into and she put two and two together," he says.

"And realised it was Rodney" I finish, he nods

"She has forbidden Rodney to work until he's himself again," he says, I groan

"I can imagine how he reacted to that" I reply.

"Dr Weir wants to see me tomorrow at nine o'clock," he says

"Me too" I reply. We carry on chatting for a while and then I leave to get to the poker game.

It's quite a full house tonight, Laura Cadman is there and so are Libby Palmer, Teyla, Kate, Dr Weir, Dr Biro and Dr Simpson. It's my turn to deal so while I'm shuffling the cards I ask _that_ question,

"What is the problem between Dr Zelenka and Major Lorne?" I ask

"None that I know of" says Dr Weir "why"

"Well when we went on that trading mission Dr Zelenka was acting really...weird towards Major Lorne, I mean if looks could kill Lorne would be six feet under, three times over" I say. Libby tuts

"Haven't you figured it out yet" she says with a smirk, I frown

"No, that's why I'm asking" I say

"I believe Dr Zelenka is jealous of your affection for Major Lorne," says Teyla. My hands slip, the cards shoot up in the air and then come raining down

"What?" I say as the penny drops

"Aww come on girl, Radek has got it bad for you, the old green eyed monster struck when you were bandying words with Lorne and Stackhouse yesterday" says Libby. I stare open mouthed at her

"Oh" is all I can say as the penny finally hits bottom and it all starts to sense. I drop my head on the table and cover it with my arms

"How could I have been so **dense?**" I say.

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**AN:** Smashy and Nicey were two DJ's of the Alan Freeman/Tony Blackburn genre created by comedians Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse for their TV show. Bachman-Turner Overdrive's You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet was their favourite record.

What will Alex do about Radek now?

What does Weir want with her?

Will she finally admit that she likes him?

What will happen to Rodney?

Find out in the next instalment


	8. Meetings and Girlie Chats

Rating: T

Summary: Alex has to decide what to do next.

Disclaimer: I own none of the Atlantis Characters but I do own Alex. If you want to use her just ask

Authors Notes: Thanks to everyone for the reviews and it is nice to see Alex and Radek are so popular, it is also nice to see Alex popping up else ware too.

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I couldn't sleep last night and I'm not surprised, how could I have been so thick! I gave up trying to sleep around 3am and went for a walk; I ended up sitting on a balcony somewhere in the east of the city and thought myself into a stupor.

"You want a cuppa Chief?" Says Christine as she plonks my mug down in front of me

"Thanks" I reply

"You ok, you're not worried about this meeting with Dr Weir are you?" she asks. I shake my head

"No, a whole load of other problems have reared their ugly heads" I say. She turns to go "Chris, what would you do if you found out someone fancied you?"

"Meaning Dr Zelenka?" she says with a grin "about time too". I lay my head on the desk with a groan, am I really the last to know, Christine sits down with a chuckle "do you like him?"

"Yes I do, he's a nice guy and a good friend," I say.

"So what's the problem?" she asks

"I don't know if I can dive head first into another relationship, I took this job to get away from the worse five years of my life I really don't know if I ready for anything serious" I say

"What does your Feminine Instinct say?" Christine asks. I wouldn't trust my instinct as far as I can throw it, it led me down the aisle with a two timing, rat faced, commitment phobic bastard who made Captain Kirk look like a monk,

"My instinct has been spectacularly wrong before, I don't trust it," I say. Christine smiles

"If you want my opinion then I say go for it, I've been here since the beginning and I can tell you Dr Zelenka doesn't have a bastard bone in his body. You said he's a friend, go with that and see what develops I think you'll be pleasantly surprised" she says, I nod

"You know, you're right I can't hide behind what that Rat Bastard did to me forever" I reply with a smile "thanks Chris". She gets up to leave

"You'd better get moving to Dr Weir's office" she says, I look at my watch and run out of my office.

The transporter finally arrives, the door opens and standing there is guess who, yep Dr Zelenka, I suppress a groan and get in.

"Hi Radek, any word on Rodney" I ask

"Only that Dr Beckett is keeping him in sick bay for now" he replies, God this is awkward

"I guess he's going to need all the help he can get to get over this," I say. Radek nods as the transporter opens and we head for Dr Weir's office, she smiles at me as we come through the door and I want to bang my head on something because she was there at the poker game last night. Beckett's there and so is Sheppard and Lorne

"I know it's not easy to keep secrets in Atlantis but I really want to try and keep this secret, according to Dr Beckett Rodney has become addicted to Power Bars and he's been put on what I can only guess is some kind of detox programme, right?" she says. Carson nods

"It's going to be a long hard slog for him but he will come through it, he is going to need all the support he can get from his friends".

"How did this happen and why did no-one tell us they were dangerous?" says Sheppard. I raise my hand at this point

"I was the one who noticed Rodney was acting strange," I say

"Why didn't you say anything?" says Sheppard

"Because I wasn't really sure until we went on that trading mission the other day, I've...er had some experience with addiction and I can spot drug...abuse is the wrong word, dependency is a better one a mile off. Rodney kept coming to me for more of those power bars and like the rest of you I thought it was greed but when we on the planet the other day, I tried out those homemade bars you asked me to come up with" I say to Weir. She nods

"What homemade bars?" says Sheppard

"Dr Weir asked me to come up with an alternative to Power Bars for you to take on short missions and leave the proper ones for emergencies," I say

"And very nice they are too and after what I've heard I'm going to stick to them" says Lorne.

"Anyway I told them that you were cutting back on the bars and Rodney panicked, that's when I first had the feeling something wasn't right, I asked Dr Zelenka if he'd noticed any change in Rodney's behaviour" I carry on.

"I didn't notice, you learn to tune McKay out" says Radek apologetically

"So I looked at the ingredients on the wrapper, seriously there's not a natural ingredient in them, it's all chemicals and proteins and junk like that, so I asked Dr Zelenka to run a test on them, to satisfy curiosity more than anything," I say.

"Two of the ingredients are used in Amphetamines, I suppose they are put in to keep you alert" said Radek. Dr Weir looks horrified

"They're not at dangerous levels, I know that's not very comforting now but Rodney did eat a lot and I guess that the more that he'd eat the more his body needed that chemical rush to keep going, hence the addiction" says Carson.

"Chief I want you to destroy all remaining power bars and I will contact SGC and tell them what we've learned, Major I want you to collect all remaining bars from the military personnel and give them to the chief. Carson I want you to work with the Chief to come up with a safe alternative to the chemicals" says Weir. "I think that's all apart from thank you for being on the ball chief, we all appreciate it", the others nod and then start heading for the door. Dr Weir puts her hand out to stop me and Radek

"Thank you both for what you did, God only knows what would have happened if this went un-noticed" she says

"I'm glad I could help," I say, Radek nods and we leave.

We get back in the transporter

"Radek, will you meet me later on?" I ask

"Of course, why?" he says

"Not specific reason, I need a friend that's all" I say. He smiles and nods

"Anywhere in particular?" he asks

"Mess hall balcony" I reply

"I'll be there at nine," he says

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How will the non-date go?

Is there really anyone on Atlantis that doesn't know Radek has the hots for Alex?

What will Carson give Alex to put in the homemade bars?

Will Radek be jealous of Carson?

And how does Alex know about addiction?

All this and more in the next instalment.


	9. It's NOT a Date!

Rating: T

Summary: The Non-Date.

Disclaimer: I own none of the Atlantis Characters but I do own Alex. If you want to use her just ask

Authors Notes: Thanks to everyone for the reviews.

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I am nervous, why? I'm meeting Dr Zelenka in the mess hall later I'm _not_ going on a date. After the meeting with Dr Weir the day was pretty routine, Major Lorne came by with the power bars he'd collected from all the teams, I met Carson in the afternoon to see how Rodney was which wasn't good and too see what we could do about making our own power bars.

"I'm no cook love" he said

"And I'm no Doctor" I replied with a grin "I'm not too eager to put anything pharmaceutical in my food but if Dr Weir says it has to be done I've got to do it" I said.

"I've been having a think about that too and after what we discovered I'm reluctant too but I've been wondering if Teyla can help us, the Athosians have been using herbs and plants for generations and there must be something that could help us" he said,

"Good idea, I'll ask her" I say as I get up and leave.

There's silence in the kitchen all talking has stopped, ah here's Teyla the only woman I know who can turn a kitchen full of men silent.

"You wished to see me Chief" she said and I hand her a cup of Earl Grey with lemon, I can't drink it on it's own but mixed with regular tea its ok, I blame my mother.

"There's been a problem with the power bars and Dr Weir has asked me to come up with something...different" I say

"I have heard that they have made Dr McKay unwell" she replies, I'm not surprised she's heard gossip can spread in 24 hours flat in this place.

"Yeah and for that reason I don't want to put anything...un-natural in the replacements, your folks use herbs and the likes do you know of anything I could use to make my bars do the same things as the power bars but be less...um...of a problem" I ask

"I am making a trip to the mainland in a couple of days, you could join me and speak to Mera she is the Healing Elder of our people, I am sure she can help you find what you are looking for" she says.

"Thank you" I reply, she smiles that little smile of hers, the one of amused satisfaction,

"Have you spoken to Dr Zelenka yet?" she asks. I sigh

"Yes, but not about that, I am going to meet him this evening" she smiles again "it's not a date, it's two friends meeting", she smiles again

"Of course, you need not worry Dr Zelenka is, what you call, a perfect gentleman" she says. I sigh again

"I know" I say with a resigned smile, bastards I can cope with but I'm completely out of my depth with someone who doesn't think the world revolves around him.

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So here I am in my quarters and I know what you're all thinking, clothes everywhere, been in the shower three times, four different hair styles, well you're wrong nah nah. I'm dressed in jeans and a white t-shirt with my hair in a pony tail because I'm _not _on a date, it's quarter to nine so I grab my knitting and go to the mess hall, remember _not_ a date.

I'm sitting on the balcony dealing with a complicated part of the dress I'm knitting for my niece when he strolls in and he has a pot of tea in his hand, helllloooo my hero.

"Hi Radek" I say with a smile as he fills up my mug, it's the one with The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy on one side and Don't Panic (in large friendly letters) on the other. He looks at my mug and smiles

"I like it" he says

"Thanks, so do I, I bought the books and the DVD's with me if you ever want to borrow them" I say. I keep the fact that I knitted myself a Marvin the Paranoid Android and he sits on my desk to myself,

"So, why am I here" he asks

"No reason apart from the fact I'd like to spend sometime with a friend and talk about anything except Atlantis" I say with a smile.

"I can do that" he says as he points at my knitting "is that for your niece?"

"Yes, this will suit her really well" I say as I put it down

"You are very fond of her aren't you?" he says. I smile

"Yes I am, she's a pain in the ass but I love her, we spent a lot of time looking after her when she was a baby" I'm not sure whether I should carry on but I don't think he's the sort to blab confidential chat all over Atlantis. "My sister spends a lot of time in hospital, she's a Manic Depressive she can cope for so long and then" I snap my fingers. "She has to go back, she's an author and she writes her best stuff when she's in hospital two sometimes three books she can write when she's there" I say, he squeezes my hand "so what about you?"

"I have a nephew, I do not like him" he says with a scowl and I laugh. I'd heard that he hated kids and Rodney sends him to MG7-677 as a regular punishment,

"How old is he" I ask

"Three years old" he replies

"Ah, they're brats at that age, wait for ten years you may get to like him" I say

"I prefer to wait for twenty years before I will see him voluntarily" he says.

"So why did you pack up and move to the Pegasus galaxy?" I ask, he smiles, he has a lovely smile I think

"Why not, I've spent long time working with alien technology, I couldn't resist coming here when Dr Weir asked me I don't have much in Czech Republic to keep me there so I came here" he says. "What about you", I sigh

"I came here to get away from my two faced, rat fink bastard of a soon to be ex husband" I say. Radek looks a little worried, as if he's said something he shouldn't "don't worry, I'm not going to slap you silly for asking me" he relaxes a little. "I married Peter Pan, he refused to grow up, while I was working my ass off and looking after Alex, he'd be off doing his own sweet thing or doing a friend or work colleague" I say as Radek's eyes widen.

"Kříženec" he says. I get the gist of what he's saying by the look on his face

"Yeah he's that alright, anyway I always knew when he was cheating on me because he used to phone me up and says he'd be late home because a "friend" was having problems at home and they needed to talk and so he'd come home at 4am after taking his "friend" out for a drink and "talking". The pubs in England shut at eleven o'clock and he seriously expected me to believe he was "talking" for five hours" I say. I see Radek trying not to laugh

"Obviously you did not believe him" he says, I shake my head

"I'm sorry to dump all that on you I thought it might explain why...um...it takes me...um a while to trust men...um people" I say. I swallow down a slug of tea in embarrassment and hope he can read between the lines

"It explains some" he says with a smile, I tell him about my interview with General Jack O'Neill and how he hired me on the spot when, after he'd explained about the Atlantis mission, I'd said 'Well fuck me sideways'.

We carried on chatting for another few hours until I look at my watch and see that it's after midnight

"Shit I've got to be up five hours" I say as I get up

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to keep you here for so long" he said

"Don't apologise I've really enjoyed myself and thanks for being a friend" I say as I give him a kiss on the cheek and he gives me a hug in return. I sigh, I could get used to the hugs, we say goodnight and go our separate ways.

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**AN:** kříženec - bastard

I got the line about the sister writing her best stuff in hospital from an interview with Harry Secombe about Spike Milligan who was a manic-depressive himself. Apparently, Spike used to write his best Goon scripts when he was being treated in hospital so sometimes Secombe and Peter Sellers used to persuade him to check himself into hospital and write some scripts for them.

And yes my ex husband _did_ expect me to swallow the stories about his "Friend" wanting to talk for 5 hours after the pub shut, I 'd had enough after the third time he tried it and told him to get out, he was genuinely surprised I didn't believe him.

Yes, I do have a knitted Marvin the Paranoid Android.

Will Radek read between the lines?

Will all of Atlantis know Alex kissed Radek by breakfast time?

Will Chinese Whispers have made it seeing Alex sneak out of Radek's room?

How's Rodney doing?

What will happen on the mainland when Teyla takes Alex There?

All this and more in the next instalment.


	10. Vita Rumpo Not Rambling Syd

Rating: T

Summary: Real Life Interrupts.

Disclaimer: I own none of the Atlantis Characters but I do own Alex. If you want to use her just ask

Authors Notes: Everyone else has done in this in their Sue fics so I guess it's my turn. It's also an explanation as to why there have been no updates to ANY of my stories for ages.

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"Mum can I watch telly?"

"Mum I'm going to the park"

"Mum can we go shopping in Southampton?"

"Mum what you doing?"

"Mum can we go to the beach?"

"Mum how long is it until we go on holiday?"

"Stuart are we there yet"

"Mum if you want me I'll be in the games room"

"Mum it's raining"

"Mum do you know if Auntie Allison will be at Nanna's house?"

"Stuart, Nanna lives down there"

"I missed you mum"

"Mum I'm hungry"

"Mum can Emily come in and play"

"Mum I'm BORED!"

I've heard all of those comments at least once in the last six weeks, ah the joys of parenthood. Couldn't her dad help? I hear you ask, I'll reply as soon as I've stopped rolling on the floor with laughter, yeah right.

Anyway I've been a little (well a lot) busy over the past few weeks with keeping the Daughter amused, days out with the other half and holidays to update anything. I thought after the camping holiday while the Daughter was at her Nanna's house visiting her dad (Don't ask) I'd settle down to some serious writing, after I'd dealt with the washing. Four loads later and I open my computer and sat, and sat, and sat, I'll do it tomorrow.

Tomorrow comes and

"Lets go out for lunch" says mum which I don't turn down, ok I'll get down to it this afternoon, Ahhhhhhh I need to finish Daughter's gloves so out come the knitting needles, gloves get finished. Time for a lie down I think, a nice indolent stretch out on my bed with the mP3 player and...Ouch something's bitten me, oh no a smut bunny, why me. I knew I shouldn't have written that Lorne and Charlotte challenge I've got smut on the brain, I can't write porn...I...Lorne...porn...don't you dare bunny...Lorne porn oh no! and I promised purpletoo1 on GW I'd write a steamy Lorne piece for her, damn you smut bunny I've got the plot but I'm too embarrassed to get it down. Stop nudging me Rabbit; all right, all right I'm going down to my computer now ok. Right I've got the teaser down, now to get to the nitty gritty...I can't Mother wants help bottling plums and tomatoes, tomorrow I'll get the Lorne porn finished tomorrow then I can catch up.

Saturday comes and Mother says

"Are you coming down the market with me?", so I head off to the local market and get some more plums "what's that for" says Mother

"Jam" I say, so Saturday becomes Jam Making Day. Fifteen pots later and I sit down to carry on with my story I get half a dozen sentences down, I'll carry on tomorrow morning while Mother's at Church.

Sunday, I can't write porn on a Sunday! I'll watch Runner for research purposes, after I've cooked lunch.

"Mike's here" says Mother so I plaster a grin on my face as my ex and his new family come in. We chat amicably for a while and his girlfriend is making 'We need to talk' gestures so I go and join her in the garden

"He's been done for drunk driving again" she says "he's not going to get away with it this time, he's going to court in October and they'll probably take his licence away this time". Great guess who's going to be asked to drop Daughter in Devon, yeah my other half. They leave an hour later and I spend a bit of quality time with Daughter before she turns into bed and I sit down in front of the computer and I write another half a dozen sentences. Why am I so embarrassed writing this stuff, I've been reading Jackie Collins and Jilly Cooper since I was at college so it's not like I'm a prude, still it's Bank Holiday Monday tomorrow, I'll finish it then.

Bank Holiday Monday Night and I'm chatting to Fififolle, I'm in denial now but it's getting a bit easier that I have a glass of wine inside me and I get right into the nitty gritty, I'll DEFINATLY finish it tomorrow.

Tuesday and Daughter's complaining that she's tired and she doesn't want to go out, great now I'll get to finish it but all kinds of chores stop me so late in the evening and another chat with Fififolle I'm typing diligently (on top of two glasses of wine) and it's finally finished and posted. NEVER AGAIN will I promise to write steamy sex.

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Normal service will be resumed in the next few days

Thank you for your patience.


	11. Cuts, Cookies and Chats

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I own none of the Atlantis Characters but I do own Alex. If you want to use her just ask

Authors Notes: Apologies for the Vita Rumpo (Which is your actual Latin, it means Life Interrupted) but now the Daughter is back to at school and Maria is finished, hopefully, things are back to normal.

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I'm making my way down to the med bay with my left hand up around my ear, I've sliced two of my fingers and I'm bleeding profusely. Usually I'll wrap a plaster around the cut and carry on, but even I could see these were serious cuts so instead of being frog-marched down to med bay by Mick I went of my own accord, I guess my college lecturer was right, it _is _better to cut yourself with a sharp knife. I wander through the door and see the figure of Nurse Yvonne Chapman, a fellow Brit

"'Ello babes what you done this time?" she says, Yvonne's born and bred in the East End of London, she always makes me think of Peggy Mitchell from Eastenders, any minute now she's going to yell "Git aht o' my pub". I take the paper towel tourniquet from my fingers and show her

"Cut my fingers" I say sheepishly, she tuts and starts to clean them up as she calls for Carson

"Carson my darlin' come and 'ave a look at this" she calls out. Carson comes out of a little room looking extremely pissed off

"Oh thank you love, I don't think I can stand it much longer" he said, I look from one to the other

"Colonel Sheppard and Ronon are in there," says Yvonne and Carson's pissed off-ness clicks, I would sedate them if I were in his position "you want me to go and finish whatever it was you were doing". Carson nods

"Aye, thanks love" he says as he hands his notes over, a thought strikes me and I put my good hand over my mouth to try and suppress the giggles, he gives me a quizzical look

"It's just struck me that all East End mothers of a certain age must have had parenting lessons from Mrs Kray" I say. We listen as Yvonne starts shouting, Sheppard or Ronon must have back-chatted her about something, she stops shouting and there is absolute silence from the two of them, Carson starts to laugh.

"Aye, they'll never learn that it's not good to cheek Yvonne" he says, I have this picture of her grabbing Ronon and Sheppard by the ears, banging their heads together and sending them to bed without supper. Carson has hold of my hand now and is examining my fingers, I hiss as pain shoots through my hand "sorry love, that's a couple of nasty cuts you have there"

"Knife was sharp," I say by way of explanation.

"You're going to need stitches" he moves to get the equipment he needs "and then you'll have to take a week off". I open my mouth to protest "ye can still do your paperwork, but no handling food 'till the stitches come out, now a local is not usually necessary for a couple of stitches, it'll hurt but I'll be quick" he says. I snort with laughter

"Are you sure you want to do that, you know me they'll be able to hear me swear on the mainland" I say, I have a low pain threshold Carson reconsiders

"Aye, I think you're right love," he says as he gets the local ready.

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I now have two fingers bandaged and strapping around my hand, something tells me that Carson doesn't trust me. I can't cook and I can't knit I'm going to go berserk before the weeks out; I trudge back to the kitchen to give Mick the good news. I carry on with the paperwork, thanking God or whoever the 'Big Guy' is in these parts that, in a fit of boredom, I'd filled the freezer with cookies and cakes a week ago, I take a couple of batches out and wait until they thaw out so I can take them to the med bay staff.

Sometime later, I wrap the cookies up and head for the med bay, after presenting them to the staff I head for Rodney's quarters. He's been out of the med bay for a few days now, I went to see him a couple of times while he was on his detox thing but all he did was rant and rave about how this was all my fault. It didn't bother me as I'd seen it all before with my sister, now I was going to see him with peace offerings.

"Come in" he says, I open the door and see him sitting in his chair, twiddling his thumbs

"Hey Rodders" I say

"What do you want" he replies

"Came to see how you're doing and to give you these" I say producing a bag from behind my back

"I don't want anything" he says petulantly

"Not even double choc chip cookies" I say. His face breaks into a look of relief

"Gimme" he says and I hand them over with a smile, he delves into the bag and takes a bite out of one of the cookies

"Oh thank you, you have no idea how much I've missed these, the Voodoo practitioner and his High Priestess won't let me have anything I like" he says. I smirk, I wonder if Carson and Yvonne have any idea of Rodney's nickname for them,

"Now now" I say

"They're watching me you know" he says and I wave at the camera

"Rodney, they watch everyone" I lean forward to whisper to him "when the security guys get a little cocky I give them a little 'entertainment' they can't look me in the face for days" I say with a wink. His jaw drops

"You strip in front of the camera?" he says and I nod, he bursts out laughing

"I bet you've scared the hell out of them" he says

"I'm pretty sure I've sent one guy screaming to Dr Heightmeyer" I reply.

"Why are you doing this?" he asks

"Doing what?" I reply

"This, being nice to me, I know it was you that told Carson about the power bars" he says, I sigh

"I've been there, I do know what you're going though, sort of, 1998 was a bad year for me and half way through 1999 I was diagnosed with depression so they put me on anti depressants, I didn't want to take them but the Doctor promised that they weren't addictive but after a year I stopped taking them. I became more of a bitch than usual for a few months as the stuff got out of my system but I'm ok now, I still need the odd pick-me-up when things get too much but I take natural stuff for it" I explain

"Which is why you threw a fit when you found out about the power bars" he said

"Which is why I threw a fit about the power bars and why I insist that nothing artificial goes in mine" I say. There's a knock at the door and Radek comes in

"Oh I'm sorry I didn't realise you were here" he said, oh boy the security guys are going to have fun with this

"S'ok Radek, I was leaving" I say getting up

"No please stay, I'd like you both to stay" he said

"Ok" I say sitting back down, Radek sits next to me. Ah, let the security people gossip.

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**AN: **Nurse Yvonne really does exist, she works at the same hospital I do and she really does put me in mind of Peggy Mitchell.

I'm slowly getting over my depression one day at a time

Yes, it really is better to cut yourself with a sharp knife, it's cleaner apparently. My fingers and hands look like a map of the London underground with all the cut and burn scars, it's part of being a chef.

Is this the first step in a friendship between Rodney and Alex?

Has Lorne seen a video of Alex stripping?

Does Radek know Alex strips for the security guys?

What will Alex do for the next week now she can't cook and knit?

Will anyone notice if Yvonne swaps places with Barbra Windsor?

All this and more in the next instalment.


	12. Old Friends, Dumplings and Bangs

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I own none of the Atlantis Characters but I do own Alex. If you want to use her just ask.

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I am finally back at work after having the week off after slicing fingers, Rodney is finally getting over his addiction and, before you ask, I still haven't made up my mind what to do about Radek. I know, I'm being a wimp over this but it's not been easy whenever I've got up the nerve to ask him to meet me the city goes into crisis mode, the Wraith, the Genii or a dozen other races we've pissed off in the last two years come knocking at our door and the place goes nuts. At the moment, we are evacuating all non-essential personnel to the mainland because they've found a load of explosive devices in the bowels of the city. According to Radek, the Ancients were experimenting with explosives before they left the city, however many millions of years ago it was and now they all have to be made safe. I volunteered to stay behind because I'm used to this kind of thing, my mum lives on the South Coast of England and old WW2 bombs are always being found in the harbour and around the dockyard so exploding devices are nothing new, see one seen 'em all. I'm in the jumper bay helping loading food onto one of the jumpers and saying goodbye to Lydia Winter, Crysta Santella, Max Wainwright and the kids, I'm gonna miss them the most I think. I give the kids some cookies and promise them whatever they want for lunch when they get back, the jumper lifts off and I get a weird feeling of deja-vu, it's just like saying goodbye to my family. I make my way back to the kitchen there's just me, Mick, Charlie and Christine now, Chris, Tony and Lennie are on the mainland setting up a field kitchen.

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It's lunchtime and it's quiet, eerily quiet just the command staff, a few scientists, Lorne and the security guys and a load of Sappers that came in on the Daedalus. The IOC, in their wisdom? have bought in a load of British Sappers to make the explosives safe but I'm wondering who'll keep the US Marines safe from the British Sappers, I've thought about warning Major Lorne and Colonel Sheppard about what British Soldiers tend to do to Americans but I thought nah, let them find out the hard way.

I spy a familiar face in the lunch crowd

"Major Grantly, how are you?" I say with a smile

"Miss Ramsey! Long time no see, how ya doing Alex" he says as he grabs me for a hug, which isn't easy to do over a container of custard. "Hey lads they've got an English chef, we'll get some decent food at last" there are a few cheers from further down the line,

"Tony, you're holding the queue up as usual, I'll be over for a chat in a minute," I say. He moves off and I smile and backchat the rest of the lads as they go by and after Christine and I have endured many comments about dumplings on the menu and keeping something hot for them, I go over to join Major Tony Grantly at his table. I think I'd better explain, Tony's daughter is in the same class as my niece Alex at school so I've often met him and his wife at the school gates, he's pretty much permanently based in our town with all the bombs there are around.

"So how are Lisa and Emily?" I ask

"Fine" he pulls a photo out of his pocket and gives it to me.

"Wow hasn't she grown?" I say as I hand it back.

"Yeah, I can't believe she's in her second year at secondary school now" he replies

"I know I couldn't believe it when I took Alex for the first time" I say with a wistful smile

"So what can you tell me about the senior bods in this place?" he asks

"Who have you met?" I ask.

"Dr Weir, Dr McKay, Dr Zelenka, Colonel Sheppard and Major Lorne" he says

"Well Dr Weir's pretty good at what she does, the woman has the patience of a saint, juggling the needs of the civilians and the military and trying not to take sides, putting up with interference from the IOC and all that, she's ok. Dr McKay has to be seen to be believed, he's arrogant, condescending and has no people skills but is bloody good at what he does" I smile "Dr Zelenka is the nicest bloke you could ever wish to meet, he's Rodney, Dr McKay's number two, he's also good at what he does but a lot more pleasant that Dr McKay. If you want my opinion whatever you need to know ask Zelenka first" I say as Tony grins.

"You like this Zelenka bloke don't you?" he says

"Yes I do but I don't know if I could cope, a bastard I can handle but I'm in over my head with a nice guy, never had one before" I say

"You deserve a nice guy, after putting up with him for so long, so what about the military bods" he says

"If Colonel Sheppard was British he'd be in Colchester for the rest of his life," I say wryly. Tony raises his eyebrows "there was some altercation in Afghanistan that no-one talks about and he's got a bee in his bonnet about not leaving people behind, he tends to go over Dr Weir's head a lot and has a knack of getting himself and his exploration team into God only knows what kind of trouble. I've seen Dr Weir yell at him for an hour before now, bit of a ladies man too" I say, Tony sighs

"I know his sort," he says

"Give him his due he is loyal, if reckless," I say.

"So what about the last bloke" he says

"Major Lorne is one of the best guys around, he's Sheppard's second in command. He's adopted a little girl that he found in prison a few months back, he wouldn't let anyone separate them because he promised her he'd look after her, it's really sweet to see them together" I say, Tony smiles.

"He's a good man by the sounds of things" he remarks

"He is," I say with a smile "and before you get the wrong idea he's got a thing for the school teacher," I say. Tony grins as he gets up to leave

"It's good to catch up Alex, I'll see you around" he says.

"Yeah, Tony" he looks back "try and keep your boys out of trouble, I know what happens when British and American troops get together and the brig's not that comfortable," I say

"Thanks for the Intel" he says and leaves.

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I'm just clearing my cup away when I see Sheppard and Lorne coming towards me,

"You got cosy quickly, you'd better make sure Dr Zelenka doesn't find out" said Sheppard with a grin as he and Lorne sit down, I sigh

"Major Grantly's a friend of mine, his daughter and my niece are school friends, him and the Sappers are based full time in my hometown," I say.

"Lotta bombs in your hometown?" asks Lorne

"Yeah, Portsmouth is my home and they're still finding German bombs in the harbour and Dockyard" I explain

"Lots of banging then" says Sheppard, I groan.

"Subtle and to the point as usual" I say "one of these days I'm going to shock you and accept your offer" Sheppard grins. I lean over the table "seriously, warn your guys not to accept the challenge of a drinking competition from the British blokes"

"Why?" asks Lorne.

"Because the Brits do it every time they meet Americans and every time the Americans lose, also it's usually followed by trouble and you don't have that many brigs, take it as a friendly piece of advice, Major Grantly did," I say.

"Thanks for that," says Lorne as I turn and head back to the kitchen. I turn and look around the mess hall, the Marines are glowering at the Sappers and the Sappers are laughing at the Marines, oh boy this is going to be fun.

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**AN: **Ok Lots of Author's Notes this time

1) This chapter is somewhat autobiographical. There is a Fleet Air Arm base called, get this, HMS Daedalus, near my daughter's school, which has Sappers crawling all over it when they found WW2 pipe bombs all over it, now every Monday morning nine thousand people have to be evacuated so they can destroy the bombs, so yes there's lots of banging on a Monday.

2) Sappers are explosive experts

3) They find several hundred German bombs a year around where we live.

4) Emily is the name of the girl who lives next door.

5) Lydia Winter belongs to BiteMeTechie, Crysta Santella belongs to NenyaVilyaNenya and Max Wainwright belongs to Elizabeth Bartlett. Tony Grantly, Lisa, Emily and Alex belong to me.

What will happen to Atlantis if the Sappers and the Marines meet?

What were the Ancients making explosives for?

Why wasn't Radek in this episode?

How many bangs will there be before the Sappers leave?

Will Alex and Christine get dumplings on the menu for the squaddies?

All this and more in the next instalment


	13. Hasten Jason Fetch the Basin

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I own none of the Atlantis Characters but I do own Alex. If you want to use her just ask.

Author's Notes: I know it's been a while but Real Life has got it in for me.

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It is breakfast time and the mood in the mess hall is subdued as there are many black eyes and bruised knuckles on show this morning, obviously my warnings were not taken seriously. I see Lorne slink in looking dead on his feet, he must have had a busy night, closely followed by Major Tony Grantly

"Have a bad night" I ask him with a wink.

"No thanks I've just had one, boy those Marines can't take a joke can they" he replies

"I did warn you," I say

"I know, I've had to do a lot of deals with your Major Lorne to keep my guys out of the Brig, I can't do the job with half my lads in the nick can I?" he replies as he slopes off with his breakfast.

"Well" I say as Major Lorne grabs his breakfast

"I will never ignore one of your warnings again, it was chaos in here last night, on the plus side that friend of yours, Major Grantly, made a lot of offers I couldn't refuse to keep his men out of the Brig" he says with a grin

"I know, but you have to see his point, with half his guys in the Brig it'll take twice as long to get the work done" I reply

"I guess but at least we'll have enough beer and whisky to keep us going till Christmas," he says. I gasp then laugh

"Will you come on the next trading mission, you can blag your way out of anything," I say as I leave, leaving him to his coffee and paper work. I spy Elizabeth Weir coming through the door with a face like thunder, boy she is well and truly pissed off over something, I decide not to bother with pleasantries and hand her two pain au chocolat, it takes a woman to know how to handle black moods. I'm so busy wondering if last nights fracas is responsible for Dr Weir's bad mood that I nearly miss John Sheppard slip into the line at the counter and he's sporting a black eye, well, well, well so that's why Elizabeth's so pissed.

"Good morning Colonel Sheppard" I say in that annoyingly chirpy sing-song way, he glares at me and mutters something that sounds like 'drop dead' and shuffles off. Some British guys further down the line start whistling 'Two lovely black eyes' and I burst into a fit of giggles, which earns me another combustible look from Sheppard, I look around for Tony and Lorne to see if they can spread any light on the subject but they've gone.

"Morning Alex" says a voice I haven't heard in a while

"Radek, long time no see," I say

"It has been mad since we found explosives" he replies

"I'll bet, I don't suppose you know what happened to Colonel Sheppard do you?" I ask. He shakes his head

"Why what happened" he says, I nod towards where he's sitting

"He's got one hell of a shiner and Dr Weir looks like she's ready to kill someone" I say, Radek shrugs

"I have not heard anything" he replies

"Hey Radek stop holding up the line, people could die here" said the whinging voice of Rodney McKay. Radek smiles apologetically and moves off and I swear in English, French and Satedan at Rodney, I've been chatting to Ronon a bit more these days, I like his temperament.

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I hear another explosion out to the east of the city and pick up my cup, I grab hold of the table and wait, Christine braces herself against the fridge door and the city begins to roll as the wave hits, this is the fourth time this morning. The rolling subsides and poor Christine is looking a little green

"Alex..." she starts,

"Again?" I ask as she runs off grabbing a bowl on the way. I sigh, after the first wave hit and the city rocked and rolled for a couple of minutes I knew lunch was going to be quiet so I decided to put a lot of 'light' food out as there's going to be a lot of 'Hasten Jason Fetch the Basin' this morning. I throw the rest of my tea away and grab a bottle of water as I'm beginning to feel a bit queasy now and get back to preparing lunch, Christine staggers back into the kitchen looking a little bit better,

"I don't know if I can take much more of this," she says. I see Radek poking his head around the door

"Hi Radek what can I do for you?" I ask, he's looking a little pale as well

"I need some lemons and some ginger" he says, I smile and Christine looks suspiciously at him.

"You're not going to kill Dr McKay are you?" she asks and Radek grins

"No it is a old country cure for sickness, my grandmother used to give it to us when we were children, I'm hoping it will help get some work done in labs, too many people are seasick" he says. I sort him out some lemons and a large piece of ginger

"There are two willing guinea pigs here," I say to him, he smiles

"I do not wish to get in your way" he replies, I look at Christine who shakes her head

"I'm not bothered, we're not busy and besides I'm intrigued," I say. Radek busies himself by squeezing lemons and peeling and slicing the ginger, he then puts the whole lot in a pan with some water and starts to heat it up.

"I have heard something about what happened to Colonel Sheppard last night" he says suddenly, Christine and I gather round him

"Go on" I say

"It seems that last night Elizabeth was having coffee out on the balcony with an officer from the British Sappers, he is Irish really, a Captain Connor O'Hara". I roll my eyes, I've heard all about Con from Tony, he has a silver tongue and can charm the knickers off a nun, Tony reckons he didn't kissed the Blarney Stone, he swallowed it whole. "It seems that Sheppard wasn't too keen on O'Hara chatting up Elizabeth, that is what you say isn't it" Christine and I nod "so Sheppard confronted O'Hara later on in the evening, punches were thrown and Sheppard came off worse". Our mouths drop open

"So that kicked off the trouble last night?" Christine asks, Radek shrugs

"One of many I should think" he replies

"Wow, no wonder Elizabeth looked pissed off this morning", I say. Radek pours some of his brew into two mugs and hands them to us

"Drink" he says, we do as we're told, it's a nice drink and my stomach starts to feel better, Christine is beginning to look a little healthier too. We hear another explosion out to sea and grab onto the table, this will be the test, the wave hits, the city rolls and my stomach stays where it is,

"Wow that stuff really works" says Christine. Radek asks for a flask so he can take his brew back to the lab, we go into my office to find one, I breathe in deeply, ok it's now or never

"Listen, as it's quiet at the moment I was going to watch Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy tonight do you fancy joining me?" I say

"I would like that" he replies, I smile

"Ok, my place at eight" I say

"I will see you then" he says as he leaves. I can't believe it was that easy.

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**AN: **Okay a quick explanation of the Blarney Stone. It's set into the parapet of Blarney Castle in Ireland and it is said if you kiss it, it will 'Give you the gift of eloquence', in layman's terms, it gives you the gift of the gab. Nowadays the term 'Blarney' means "the ability to influence and coax with fair words and soft speech without giving offence".

Hasten Jason fetch the Basin was a phrase used by Ray Moore, a Radio 2 DJ that I used to listen to when I was on the early shift man years ago, to describe rough sea crossings in the Channel or the Irish Sea

What will happen on 'The Date'?

Will they actually get to have the Date?

Will Elizabeth black John's other eye?

Will Capt O'Hara get his wicked way with Elizabeth?

What will John do if he does?

All this and more in the next episode.


	14. Confessions

Author's Notes: I know it's been a while but Real Life and a lack of Plot Bunnies got the better of me, but I'm back now (for how long I don't know) Anyway on with the show. Contains spoilers for The Return and a reference to Self Preservation Society a story wot I wrote and this chapter is not as good as it could be. Thanks to Pajus for the SpellCzeching.

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Bloody hell what a couple of months it's been and before you ask no Radek and I never got around to watching Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy that night because Sod's Law dropped a bomb on us in the shape of the Ancients wanting their city back. Therefore, we packed everything up and trooped back through the gate to the SGC, which was the first time I had set foot on Earth for over a year. I went home briefly, I knew I couldn't stay for too long because my ex and his mates would turn up on mother's doorstep, so I spent a few weeks with my family before I had to disappear again and then I returned to McMurdo before I came back to Atlantis. The sappers left the same time we did and Elizabeth and John are only just back on speaking terms after John got involved in a punch up with Captain Con O'Hara. You see Con is a charming Irishman who can charm the birds out of the trees and sweet-talked himself into a few dates with Elizabeth. When John found out he basically told Con to leave well alone, Con told Sheppard what he could do with himself, Elizabeth told John what he could do with himself too and Max ended up bawling the two of them out after they squared up to each other in the mess hall. She told them if they were going to act like children, she was going to treat them so and then sent them to sit in opposite corners of the mess hall. They appealed to Elizabeth who backed Max to the hilt, I suspect that Con talked his way out of trouble because Elizabeth a smile on her face for a week afterwards.

* * *

We have been back for about a month and I have spent a lot of time with Max, Lydia and Crysta, we kept in touch via email but that's not the same as a good old-fashioned girl's night. I haven't seen much of Radek but that's to be expected as he and Rodney have been touring the city to see what the Asuran's did to it during their stay. I hear whistling out in the mess hall, the Brits in the team have taken to whistling 'The Self Preservation Society' from The Italian Job whenever they see Radek or Rodney, because of what happened when they went to rescue Delilah Stirling and Evan Lorne after their Jumper broke down. If I say the words 'Bloody Doors', it'll give you some idea of what happened. I go out into the mess hall and see Radek gamely trying to pretend he's not hearing the jokes at his expense,

"Radek why don't you join me in my office" I say. He's still spitting nails as sits opposite me

"That...That..._děvka_ this is all her fault, her name suit's her well," he snarls, I hazard a guess at what he's just called Delilah and try to hide my giggles

"Radek, she's not that bad, anyway she wasn't the one who told everyone what happened, Sheppard and Lorne did, she's only just come out of hiding" I reply, he still looks like he wants to kill someone

"It was not my fault, I tried to warn Rodney but as usual he wouldn't listen," he says.

"Look, I've got nothing to do this evening so do you fancy seeing that DVD the Ancients interrupted" I say. He smiles for the first time in what seems like days

"I'd like that very much" he replies

"Eight O'clock in my quarters" I say and he nods.

* * *

I'm sitting in my room going through the mail that the Daedalus bought for me, one piece has my mouth hanging open and my brain stopping still, my Decree Absolute, I'm finally divorced and finally free and he's in prison for demanding money with menaces. It seems he'd found out I was back home and him and his mates turned up at mother's house demanding money that he thought I owed him, she got fed up with his behaviour and called the police and now he's inside and I'm free, I can actually go home and be safe. I'm still pondering this bit of news when I hear pounding on my door, I check my watch fuck, Radek I'd completely forgotten, I get up and let him in

"I'm sorry I didn't hear the chimes, have you been waiting long?" I ask

"I have not been here long" he says, "I was beginning to wonder if you were ok". I shrug and smile a little weakly

"I've had some...news from home that's...a little hard to take in" I say

"I can leave if you want," he says

"No, please stay I'd like someone to talk to, if you don't mind" I reply.

"I do not mind," he says. I see he bought a bottle of something with him

"You must have sixth sense" I say, he smiles

"I thought we could both do with it, it's Slivovice I bought it back from the Czech Republic," he says as he waits.

"Come on in then" I say, I still can't get over what a gentleman he is, I'm not used to it. We go in, sit down and pour two glasses of slivovice

"What's the matter?" he asks, I sigh and pick up the letter

"I'm finally divorced and my ex husband is in prison" I reply

"Why are you worried?" he asks

"I'm not worried it's just I've not really got a legitimate reason to stay here anymore". His eyes widen at this and I sigh, I suppose someone other than General O'Neill should know the real reason I'm here, especially as I'm seriously falling for this guy "you don't have to listen if you don't want to" I say. He reaches for my hand and gives it a squeeze

"I can see that you need to tell me," he says.

"Ok you know I said I took this job to get away from my ex who was making my life difficult because of the divorce" he nods "I kinda under exaggerated , I had to go into hiding because he was threatening me" I say

"_To je parchant_ " he spits, I smile.

"Yeah, y'see when I applied for a divorce I also applied for this financial severance order, meaning he can't benefit from any money I have, he started with delaying tactics with signing papers and so on, and then he started with the threats, if I wanted him to this or sign that I'd have to pay him". Radek squeezes my hand again "then he started intimidating my family so my solicitor suggested I get out of the country just long enough so he could impose restraining orders and my ex would waste a lot of time finding me. Anyway I'd got to know this US Air Force Major at the hospital, Major Davis" Radek nods "I asked him if he knew if there was a job going in the States for a bad tempered chef, I ended up telling him why and he said he'd help me. So I get a letter telling me to go for an interview in Washington, I go and I get a job in McMurdo, which is about as far away from him as I could get, so I thought," I say.

"He found you in Antarctica?" asks Radek

"It was my own stupid fault I used to send letters back home with a return address, he must have stolen one of my letters because I got a letter from him one day, I panicked and you know what happens when I do that". Radek grins and nods "it just so happened it was the day General O'Neill was visiting so he was greeted by me swearing my head off at the poor unfortunate kitchen porter, give him his due the General stuck his head around the door and said 'So what you got for lunch, lions, tigers, bears, oh my?'" I say with a laugh

"General O'Neill is strange, good man but very odd," says Radek. I nod

"Well after that O'Neill asks me what's wrong and not to lie because 'no-one gets that cranky for no reason' so I told him all about it and he said he'd see what he could do. I thought he'd put me on some top security base or even Area 51, I'd have loved that but I get a call to go and see him in Washington. I go to see him and he tells me about a base code named Atlantis, I say 'right, you have a base under the sea in the middle of nowhere' and he says 'funny you should say that. Then tells me all about Atlantis and what happens here and I say 'well fuck me sideways'. He gives me the job there and then saying 'I don't think the guys there will give you any crap' and the rest, as they say is history and I'm sure he's had someone watch over my mum too" I finish. Radek wraps his arms around and kisses my forehead

"If I'd have got my hands on him I would have killed him" he says, I chuckle slightly, I can't imagine him killing anyone, he's too nice

"No you wouldn't," I say.

"I killed a man once" he says quietly, something inside me says he's not joking. I look up at him

"You're serious aren't you?" I say and he hangs his head, he moves away from me a little but I keep hold of his hand.

"Radek? I say

"You will not like me if I tell you" he says

"I'll be the judge of that," I say. He breathes in deeply and I can see him struggling

"It was when I was in the Army, when we were Czechoslovakia" he begins

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**AN:** _děvka_ - A derogatory term for a woman of easy virtue

_To je parchant- _What a Bastard

Slivovice - Plum Brandy

Who did Radek Kill?

Has Major Davis been hiding in a Military Hospital somewhere on the South Coast? (I wish!!)

Will Con O'Hara be back?

Will Radek's confession destroy their relationship before it starts?

All this and more in the next instalment


	15. Confessions Pt 2

All standard disclaimers apply and thanks again to Pajus for the SpellCzeching

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So here I am, sitting with Radek on my couch having just poured my heart out to him about my ex husband and the divorce and he has just told me he has killed someone. He thinks I won't like him anymore if he tells me but I tell him I'll be the judge of that,

"I was in the army, back in the days when we were Czechoslovakia, I was eighteen and posted to the West German border," he says as he takes a gulp of Slivovice.

"You were a border guard," I say

"Yes" he replies. I can see where this is going

"And?" I ask

"I was on duty one night, it was raining and the alarm went off, I was in one of the towers, the light caught someone trying to climb through the fence" I squeeze his hand, he tries to move it but I hold on. "My commanding officer told me to fire so I did, I fired a warning shot over his head hoping he would surrender but he kept on climbing, I fired again just over his left shoulder but no he wouldn't stop. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath "my CO said kill him, I didn't want to I wanted him to succeed I wanted him to get away because I knew what he was feeling, I wanted to escape too, I'd already turned a blind eye to others who were trying to escape. The CO told me to fire I couldn't get out of it, he was standing over me so...I pulled the trigger and killed them man at the fence". I don't know what to say so I don't say anything I just put my arms around him "I said you would not like me" he says.

"And I said I would be the judge of that" I hug him again "if you'd have disobeyed your CO you would be dead, I have no idea what it was like behind the Iron Curtain but I can hazard a guess that they didn't take too kindly to their soldiers allowing people to escape" I say.

"You don't understand," he mumbles

"I know and I would never insult your intelligence by pretending that I did what I do know is that you were a young soldier serving a puppet government being controlled from Moscow. You had to obey orders or face the consequences, it's what the American's call a no brainer, it doesn't make me lo...um respect you any less than I did an hour ago".

"I am so ashamed of what I did that night," he says

"Which is good" I reply. He looks up at me

"Why do you say that?" he asks, I swallow, thinking I've gone too far

"Um...it show's you have a conscious and that you regret what you did and if you could have done things differently you would have done" I say, he wraps his arms around me again and hugs me tight, a little too tight and kisses my forehead.

"You are right I think, how did you become so wise?" he asks

"I'm a people watcher, in my job you spend a lot of time watching how people behave, how they act in certain situations so I'm a pretty good judge of character, I hope" I reply. He smiles that stomach-knotting, toe-curling smile of his at me

"What does it say about me now?" he says

"It says you're a good man who's seen and done a lot of things he shouldn't have but is still a good man," I say

"Thank you" he replies. I know what I've said means a lot to him, God knows what I'm thinking but I reach up and kiss him and judging by his reaction, he's not horrified.

* * *

I wake up with a start when I hear a buzzing sound, I realise it's my earpiece. With some difficulty, I plug it in

"What" I say

"Wakey wakey boss woman, you should have been here half an hour ago," says Mick's voice. I'm fully awake now

"What...Oh God I'm sorry Mick I'll be there as soon as possible" I respond, Mick chuckles

"You should go to bed to sleep at night" he says and hangs up. I grope for my glasses and as I'm groping my fingers come across a note, I put my glasses on and open it '_Spi sladce, Miluju tě_' it says, it must be from Radek, I wonder what it says. As I get ready for work I realise I don't remember actually getting into bed and come to think of it, I'm still in the clothes I was in last night which means I fell asleep and he put me into bed, ho boy.

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**AN: **_Spi sladce, Miluju tě _- Sleep well, I love you

What happened between Alex going to sleep and Alex waking up?

Did someone see Radek leave Alex's room?

Will Mick guess what went on?

What happens now?

All this and more in the next instalment.


End file.
